Let's rewind to about this time in 2013. I was having some of the best experiences of my life. Experiences I still look back on with a smile. I was going to be working with a major recording artist in the official events of the Inauguration weekend. I attended THE Inaugural Ball (which is a crazy funny story between my best friend and I). I joined the Young Adult Choir at FBCG. That first rehearsal I accidentally sat on the alto side of the choir stand. I've been trying to work my way back over there ever since. All that, and yet the relationship between my boyfriend and I was an absolute mess.
There are too many stories than you have time to read of the stupid things that I did and the crazy things that he said. It's not even important to the real point. I was broken and I had no business in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship anyway. I know that now. That's not at all what it looked like to me at the time. In my mind, I needed a man. He was there. So, I needed him.
“I needed a man. He was there. So, I needed him.”
Then he was gone.
That's when my search began. I mean I was man hungry (and that is no exaggeration). I found myself planning my wedding with almost every nice and attractive man I saw. I had picked out the paint colors of our nursery for every man who offered me his seat on the metro (don't worry, it wasn't many. Do better gentlemen.). It was too much. I was too much and I needed to stop.
That is when I decided to do a year without dating. I noticed something in myself that needed serious fixing and I decided to do something about it. I had heard several sermons suggesting the idea of going some time with the determination that you would not date or even look for dates and I decided to give it a try. Let's be clear though, it wasn't as though there were constantly men knocking down my door. There weren't. It was me, not them, that needed to be reigned in. It was me who needed to refocus.
I started on Valentine's Day 2014. There was no special purpose behind using that date. It just happened to be that time of year when I decided to take up this endeavor. I will admit though, I did like the irony of deciding to no longer date on the biggest day of the year for dating.
At first it started as mostly turning down the offers for dates that I was not receiving anyway. Check. Done. Easy. Than came the much harder part. I needed to figure out why it was that I felt like I needed a man. Where was this out of control hunger coming from? So I looked back to where I know I'm always supposed to look when I need direction. I looked to the Bible. Please notice that this is where I know I'm supposed to look when I need direction, not where I actually always look. I do not want it to seem like Bev has it all together. Believe me, I know her, she doesn't.
“The need I was trying to fill with a man wasn’t meant for any man on earth to satisfy.”
When I looked to the scriptures I realized that the need I was trying to fill with a man wasn't meant for any man on earth to satisfy. I had forgotten how to lean onto the love of Jesus. I'd learned how to tune out the voice of God. I wasn't measuring up to His standard so I threw it away for what I though was a better one. I heard a preacher say recently that you should keep people around you who won't celebrate your mediocrity. I had those people. I should have listened.
Possibly the biggest realization of the whole endeavor was that I wasn't up to the standard that I had set for my future husband. The man of my dreams, that nice and attractive man who gave me his seat on the metro, wouldn't want a person like who I was.
So, I practiced. I'm not sure about you, but I've never had someone lay their hands on me and then I heard God's voice clearly everyday following. I had to work to turn down my voice and turn up His. I had to practice "leaning not on my own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5). I messed up a few times on my way to believing I was "fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14).
Oh my goodness. This is getting long already and I'm nowhere near where Rob comes in the picture. I know we don't have a comment section, but hit the like button to let me know you want to hear the rest of the story. I can do a special post or kick Rob off his next one or something. Lol.
