THANK YOU!!! Yes You!

WE MADE IT!! As Rob and I sit here in Greece, we stare out on the Aegean Sea and reminisce on last weekend. We are unbelievably grateful to each and every person who helped us get to Aug 19 and especially the ones that will support us as we move beyond the wedding day. I hesitate to start naming people for I'm certain that I will forget someone, but there are just some people that I cannot help but call out for the incredible level of support they gave to us and the help they volunteered in making our wedding day happen. For those whose names I may forget (what do they say in church?), charge it to my head and not my heart.

First to our parents.

Of course they did they whole parent thing. You know, allowing and even helping us to survive until maturity (are we mature?) then continuing to support us after that despite what we probably did to them during that time. But, they did so much more than that. They gave us unbelievable support throughout our entire dating process. They provided wisdom and advice to help keep us on the right track. And then, as if that were not enough, they contributed to the wedding day itself. For all of this, and so much more, we are undeniably grateful.

Pastor Turner.

You have been incredibly supportive to me since I was a little girl. You took me in and treated me like one of your own children (for better & for worse lol). You were there for us for our wedding even when life tried to give you a reason not to be. You were determined, and I couldn't imagine the day without you. You helped keep me calm in the middle of the craziness of the day. You even helped us write our vows. We're definitely going to need a copy of that though. What all did we say?We appreciate you for more than just the wedding day. we appreciate you for just being you.

My Maid and Matron of Honor.

You two were incredible. You listened whenever I had complaints throughout the whole process, you offered to beat people up for me, then you gave me the correct advice. To Jessica I mirror your sentiments exactly and it is so nice to have a sister. You exceeded my expectations of you this past weekend and though the whole planning process. You were always there and thinking of things before I ever would (or just solving problems before I knew they were problems). Thank you so incredibly much! To Karisma I just don't even have words. You have been there for me for 17 (17?!) years. We have been through so much together. You are the best of best friends (no matter what I say about you moving away). Even when I "got busy" or "got other things in my life" you have always been right there for me no matter what. There are not proper words to show my gratitude, I will just settle for thank you.

To my bridesmaids Murl and Ebony.

Each of you has been nothing but supportive pf me at different points of my life, but in the same way. Growing up, Murl you were my sister. We did everything together and we even did the "dress alike everywhere we go" thing together. You love for me and you beautiful character as a woman shone through this entire wedding planning process. I am forever grateful for your love and sister-ship. Ebony, you have been there for me since we met. We linked up incredibly fast and that bond has never broken. Your family is my family. Your parents are basically my parents. You have been my help through so much and our bond has grown even closer. Thank you so much for being there for me on my special day and expect many phone calls moving forward. 

To Tish, Tasha, and Andrea.

Words really can't express our level of gratitude for the three of you. The wedding day absolutely would not have happened without you and it DEFINITELY would not have looked as good. You guys made us look way more awesome than we are and you have continued to be incredible friends to us through the whole journey. You provided amazing advice, helped to steer us in the right directions, gave us encouragement, and have always just been there. We still can't believe everything you did and how great everything looked. Our parents wanted us to tell you that they also extend their gratefulness. You guys are way too awesome!!

To Anthony, Brian, Jaali, Mike, Stephen, and Tamika.

Impeccable. Simply impeccable. We are so grateful for each of you, your friendship, and your support. Each of you have been a brother, a sister, and a friend to both of us. You helped bring us together and made sure we stayed together. Thank you so much for your unwavering love and support.

To Ana Florence.

You have literally been my wedding sounding block since the day I got engaged. You made sure I stayed on track with my wedding planning, even when it meant kicking me out of other events. You helped with EVERYTHING. You listened to each and every one of my complaints and made me feel better in the end. Thank you for being my local Maryland sister. 

To Pastor Jenkins and First Lady.

You both have been very supportive of us since the beginning. We are very appreciative of the support you have given us through the whole process. Never in the spotlight, but always right behind the scenes. Rob and I know more than anyone that most of the work happens behind the scenes. We are forever grateful for everything you have done for us as a couple and for the wedding. Thank you.

For each person named and everyone else we want to thank, "thank you" just doesn't seem like enough. I didn't have the words to type that would have been good enough to show my real level of gratitude. Just know that we are more than grateful for everything that everyone has done for us. We know that we did not make it to the altar on our own, but it was through God's grace and with your support. 

Thank You!!

Packing Up

We’re less than 90 days out from the big day! And we have found the place we are going to move to. No, stalkers, I won’t tell you where it is.

I will be moving in first and getting it ready for when Bev moves in when we get back from our honeymoon.  No, super spiritual people, this isn’t a post about how the groom prepares the home for the bride as Christ is preparing Heaven for us. Besides, this arrangement is purely practical. Otherwise, she would move in first.

But as I have started to pack my boxes and prepare to move forward into the next awesome part of my life, I have had to look at the things I have stowed away in my drawers and closets as I put them into the boxes. And it’s easy to just mindlessly put these things in boxes and cart them off to the new crib. However, I realized that I don’t want to just take a whole bunch of unnecessary junk into my new shared space with my wife.

“Why shouldn’t I get rid of this?”

 So I have decided to ask myself the question with everything I pack, “Why shouldn’t I get rid of this?” There are some things that I currently use, need, or actively collect, and I will keep those things. There are other things that I have stored away for memories, heirlooms, keepsakes, and things to share with my children.  

But it’s really easy to hold on to things that will only clutter and complicate my space. Thus the question, “Why shouldn’t I get rid of this?”

For instance, I was looking at my old Walkman from when I was in high school that still had a CD sitting inside of it (yes, I threw out my cassette tape player a long time ago). It was a Sony. I’m sure that if I put new batteries in it that it would work great. I also still have all my CDs from high school as well. I have not played even one of them in years. They take up a lot of unnecessary space (remember the big thick CD binders?). And I thought, man, this thing still works, I should hold on to it. Then I thought about the fact that I haven’t used it in forever, and I thought about the fact that I have a much more efficient way of storing and listening to my music now. And really, most of my CDs are actually scratched and won’t play anyway.

Maybe you already see where this post is going, but there is such an easy parallel to draw here to our lives in general. If we’re not careful, we can hold on to things that clutter and complicate our lives just because maybe we’ll want it again or because we just can’t let go of the past. Sometimes we can’t let go of what that person did to us. Or other times we can’t move on to a more upgraded, efficient part of our lives because we’re holding on to something (or someone) that won’t work anyway.

I get it. At one point in my life, that CD player was exactly what I needed, and it served me well. And if the CD player had a 2 terabyte storage capacity and could send my music to Bluetooth speakers, I would totally keep it. But it doesn’t. I’ve grown, and my CD player hasn’t; and trying to use it would only hold me back now.

Sometimes we just have to ask ourselves, “Why shouldn’t I get rid of this?”

“…one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead,  I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 3:13-14

Wedding Planning: What They Don't Tell You

Well, is it what they don't tell you or is it what you don't listen to? Yea, the second one probably seems more appropriate for me. This wedding planning thing is not easy. There are a ton of pieces that have to  come together just right to make sure you have the most awesome day of your life. At least, that's the expectation. Plan the greatest day of your life - that's the task. Bring all of your closest friends and family into town and celebrate with them without going into debt - that's the challenge. Everything goes down smoothly and you simply get to enjoy your big day - that's the reward. Below you'll find a few things I've learned along the wedding planning way. We're 93 days out now......

The Guest List is Most Important

There is not a single wedding website you can read or wedding book you can buy that will not tell you that the guest list is most important. Nail down your guest list early and stick to it is what they tell you. Be honest, gentle, and clear. This sounds very good until your mother hands you a guest list of 326 of her own guest. This was 326 people that included neither me or Rob. 

My recommendation: Plan your guest list before you even tell your parents that you're engaged. Don't even give them the chance to put together their champagne wishes and caviar dreams.

My serious recommendation: Make decisions early as to what you want your wedding to look like. Be reasonable about your expectations and keep your budget in mind. Decide how much you're willing to spend and how many guests fit in that expectation. THEN give everyone a guest list limit. Remember, the wedding party (and their significant others) count as guests, so keep them in mind. Then say, "Mom, there's room in the guest list for you to invite 50 people." That would probably go better than, "Mom, write out your guest list for me."

Budget, Budget, Budget

The guest list and the budget go hand in hand as most important things to plan in your wedding. The budget dictates the guest list and the guest list dictates the budget. Rob and I decided early that we (or our parents) will not go into debt for our wedding. Yes, this day is important, but our marriage is even more important. We'll already be paying off student load debt, no need to add wedding debt too. 

My serious recommendation: Write out very early how much you would like to spend. Be reasonable and do a ton of research. Use one of the many lists provided on the internet for wedding budget line items. The more items the better. You can easily decide you won't be needing something on the list, but if you miss something you didn't think of it will hurt when you have to find room (and money) for it later. Also, budget for a cushion. Something is definitely going to cost more than you budgeted for, just hopefully not a lot of things.

What Do You See?

I was asked so many times, "When you picture your wedding, what do you see?" In all honesty, I didn't see much. If you couldn't guess, I have not been planning my wedding since I was born. I had a few ideas here and there, but definitely not enough to write out every detail. This is where Rob was very helpful. We decided we wanted out wedding to look like our relationship. Adventurous. We made all of our decisions based on the story of us. This way, the more we plan, the more excited we are for the actual day.

Just Make Decisions

I am the worst at this. I want to think about a decision for days to make sure I've thought of every eventuality and I'm making the right choice. For some decisions, this is totally necessary. When you're deciding between shimmer or matte paper for the invitations, just decide. Things will be much easier if you just make decisions. I also procrastinate. It only took me three months to call for the hotel blocks. When I finally did, it was very simple. I'm going to give the excuse that it's because I'm so busy. Yea, that feels right.

Gotta Have Friends

There have been sooooo many people who have helped us through this wedding planning and marriage preparation process. So many of our friends, family, and mentors stepped up to help out with certain parts of this that we didn't even know we needed. This would all be impossible without these people. Maybe we'll do some introductions of the key players in future posts.

There's still 93 days to go, so I'm sure I have so much more to learn. Here's hoping I don't mess the whole thing up in the next few months. 

Grace

To be honest, lately, things have seemed a bit challenging. Success at work hasn't come as easily as it has in past years, though the effort and challenge has gone up. Elsewhere it has seemed like punch after punch has been coming my way on top of already feeling overextended and constantly tired. I even scheduled some vacation days just to stay in my house and get away from everybody and everything. And this is all on top of trying to plan a wedding. Then my grandfather passed away. And two weeks later, Bev's grandmother passed away. 

Like you (probably) I think this image is weird. So it is a good segway into this disclaimer. Bev and I normally don't like to use the term "my season." It's, you know, churchy. But in this post, it seemed like the best description to use.

It has been pretty easy to get discouraged and want to quit the hard stuff. Especially stuff like the changes at work that I didn't choose in the first place. I started finding it easy to question if God has taken his favor from me. If maybe I had inadvertently headed down some path or made some decision that caused Him to be disp
leased with me. 

In Psalm 22, I see that David felt similarly:

"My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?
Why are You so far from helping Me,
And from the words of My groaning?
O My God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear;
And in the night season, and am not silent."

So I'm not the first son of God to wonder if God is mad at him just because things have gotten a little hard. Then I think about folks like Job and Abraham and Moses, and I realize that things got hard for all of them in the course of their obedience. God even told Moses to do something that He knew was going to fail and cause trouble at first. 

At church last week, Anthony (the assistant minister of music at my church, if you're not already familiar with First Baptist Church of Glenarden) sung "It's Working" by Bishop William Murphy. That song says "This is my season for grace, for favor. This is my season to reap what I have sown." And it reminds me that "everything is working together for my good." 

And while Anthony was exhorting through the song, I realized that when problem after problem arises and the punches just keep on coming even though I have done my best to be faithful, it's not because God has taken his grace and favor from me. It's because this is MY season for grace and favor. It is time for me to experience the same deliverance and grace that I tell everyone else about. It's my turn to go from glory to glory. And how can I experience it unless I go through something that makes me realize I need it?

And with that realization it is so much easier for me to sing "everything is working together for my good." I guess it's my season to reap what I have sown. 

And if you have been experiencing the same thing, maybe it's yours too.

Give Me My Flowers

This post is going up later than expected, but much earlier than any of us would have ever wanted. You see, over the past month, almost exactly two weeks apart, both Rob and I lost our grandparents. His father's father (and his namesake) passed away on April 19. My mother's mother passed away just a few days ago on May 4. Obviously this was unexpected and unplanned for, but you always find yourself looking for the good when sadness is on the horizon.

Grandpa and little Robby

I had the great pleasure of meeting and getting to know Rob's grandfather. Anyone who knew anything about our relationship would tell you that Grandpa probably liked me more than he liked Rob. When I would come over for dinners or if Grandpa was taking us out, he often asked where I was sitting and said he wanted to sit next to me. He couldn't see to well and his hearing was pretty weak, but that wit and charm never once failed him. He could tell stories for days and loved to share them. I've heard both funny and sad stories about his time in the World War II then he'd recount memories from the time he built his own house with his own hands. 

I almost put Grandma's first selfie. That one is funnier because she couldn't understand why she could see herself. By this time, she had her selfie game down.

There's not really a time in my life that wasn't made possible by my grandmother. For every memory I have, it's like there is  a Grandma filter on it. Even if you couldn't see her, you could always tell that she was there. Some of my earliest memories of family get-togethers or even just playing outside were at my grandmother's house. When we were younger and got the chicken pox, we would all go to Grandma's house. For some of the time I was in high school I essentially lived or actually lived at Grandma's house. When we got older and moved away, we always had to get back to Youngstown to see Grandma. Just last year, my mother moved Grandma into our house, so I spent everyday with Grandma. I learned responsibility from Grandma. I learned how to be a good woman and a good wife from Grandma. I learned how to make turkey dressing from Grandma. And I learned to never settle from Grandma. 

What brings me joy is that both Grandpa and Grandma knew of Rob and I's engagement and approved. When asked if they were ready for the wedding in August their answers were both, almost verbatim, "I'm ready right now." 

The old James Cleveland song says, "Give me my flowers, while I yet live, so I can see the beauty that they bring." I can truly say that we brought our grandparents their flowers while they could smell them. They both knew how much we loved them and how grateful we were for their lives and the example they set. I can confidently say we would not be the people we are without them. And I'm happy to know that I made Grandma proud. 

We will miss you guys, but you will forever be in our hearts.

Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today, I heard a yes that would change my life forever.

Bev and I had been working on a stage production for the youth ministry at our church. We had been getting to know each other for months. I liked her. A lot. This is something of which she frequently reminds me. She claims she wasn’t interested in me for most of the time I liked her, but I’m a pretty charming and cool guy, considered by thousands to be like super hot, so the jury is still out as to whether she is telling the truth.

But we were really good friends. We talked every day, whether we were in town or not. We shared a lot of similar interests, and had hours long conversations about everything and about nothing. We were and still are similarly silly people. Well, she is. I am a completely normal human being. All of my friends will tell you that (no, you may not actually ask them). Our passions were similar, and that is how we came to be creating this stage production together.

“I am a completely normal human being.”

She had completed her year of no dating 2 months prior. I had already asked her out and she had turned me down once. Many guys would consider even a friendship with their person of interest all but over at this point. But I had decided that my love for her (and therefore my friendship with her) was not based on whether or not she loved me back. Was I going to stalk and pester her? No. Was I going to continue to treat her the exact same way I had been treating her? Yes. Even if what I wanted never happened.

But during the process of creating this stage production we got even closer, sharing in the successes and frustrations as well as the excitements of creating a story and making that story happen on stage. We continued to get to know each other both by talking and by observing each others’ character and actions.

After the first time I asked to court her, when she turned me down, I decided that I would never ask her again, and that the responsibility was on her to tell me if she changed her mind. It wasn’t a hardening of my heart towards her. It was just a determination not to force her to go in a direction that she did not want to go in. It was one of the methods I employed to retain the friendship with her that was so dear to me.

“I simply offered my listening ear and understanding heart.”

I remember one night she actually told me more about why she turned me down. I listened empathetically. I decided to receive and be grateful for this information, this valuable piece of her, that she had chosen to give me. I didn’t push her to change her mind. I didn’t refute her and list the reasons why she was wrong for that decision. I simply offered my listening ear and understanding heart.

As the weeks went by, I could tell she was having a change of heart towards me. It became so obvious to me that I changed my mind and resolved to talk to her about it again when she came back from her out of town work trip. Right around the same time that I made that decision, she texted me and said that she wanted to talk because “I don’t think we can hide anymore.”

Now, to be clear, we were not hiding anything. The friendship lines were black and white, and there was no crossing. She was referencing the fact that people would ask about us all the time, trying to figure out if there was something more behind our friendship. We had simply progressed to the point where we were two friends who liked each other a lot but talked about that particular point very little.

That April 27th was the best April 27th of my life. We talked openly. We shared our misgivings. We figured we might be going in the same direction, and we decided to walk there together. 2 years later, it’s 4 months before our wedding, and I regret nothing and have absolutely no misgivings, questions, doubts, or what-ifs. Is there the trepidation of not knowing exactly how this marriage thing is going to work? Of course. If there wasn’t, I would be a pretty foolish guy. But I can tell you beyond any shadow of any doubt that Beverly Joi Young is the woman God led me to meet, court, engage, and marry.

Happy Anniversary, my love. It’s been the best 2 years of my life, and I can’t wait to say “I do” in exactly 

But who’s counting…

Being OK with Not Being OK

A quick Google search of this title will show you that very often people are not OK. It may also reveal to you that just as often as people are not OK, they pretend that they are. I feel like we've all been there. We feel awful, but we still put a smile on our face and bulldoze through our day. At church it can be even worse. Christians should always be OK. We pray about whatever that thing is and we find security in knowing the Lord has it under control. "I gave it over to the Lord and He worked it out."

“I gave it over to the Lord and He worked it out.”

But what do you do when you still don't feel OK?

I have essentially no authority to recommend how you should live your life. I have even less authority to give mental health advice. This post is not about how to feel OK when you don't, it's about how I came to be OK with not being OK.

I was very good at putting up a front. I had been in church all my life, so I knew all the lines. One person says, "How are you doing Sister So-and-So?" to which the reply is, "Oh, I'm blessed and highly favored." There is a case that can be made for repeating phrases or verses to remind yourself of their truth, but there's not much that can be said for downright lying. When someone asks how you're doing and, knowing your life is in utter turmoil, you reply. "I'm doing just fine. How are you?" that is a lie. That "I'm doing just fine", that was my line. 

In general, I found that people aren't genuinely concerned about how you're doing when they ask that question, it's just a customary way to open a conversation. Be honest, how many times have you asked, "Hey girl, how you doin'?" but you didn't really want to know? In that case, the "blessed and highly favored" line isn't all that bad, right? Where it does become an issue is when you are lying to your family, friends, or significant other. It all boils down to trust.

“I will trust in the Lord”

People who only read the quotes and pictures of this post are going to think I'm so churchy. Anyway, back to the point. When you don't trust a person with information, you lie to them. When you don't feel like you can trust anyone, you lie to everyone.  For too long I was putting up a front and pretending like I had everything together when I didn't. That was a lie. Luckily, Rob stayed persistent and saw the real me through the facade I was putting up. Because we started off as friends, I already had a level of trust in him that I may not have had with a person who started off trying to date (and you know what I mean by date) me before he knew my middle name. 

Being able to be true, honest, and real with each other has greatly improved our relationship. Just think about it, if I was still pretending Rob might have fallen in love with the person I was pretending to be and then where would we be? I would have to keep up the "blessed and highly favored" act forever. Far too much work. 

In the end, I guess I'm saying it's good to be honest. You should first be honest with yourself then find those people in your life who you can trust and be honest with them too. Freeing yourself from that lie is liberating and gives you better connections with the people you love. Even today if you ask me how I'm doing you might see me pause. That's usually me turning off my autopilot lie and searching for the truth. You try telling the truth today and see how it feels.

My Help

I intelligently didn't bring a hat or earmuffs, so Bev was being my earmuffs.

God's help for me on this earth. I found it. And her name is Beverly.

Most people take offense at the idea of a wife being a helpmeet because they don't understand it. They feel it is demeaning. But she is not my little helper placed here to do my bidding. She is the kind of help that "I lift up mine eyes to the hills" for. She is the kind of help that comes when you dial 911. She is the kind of help that I can't get where I'm going without.

As a kind of reminder to me of what kind of help she is, God has allowed me to compare how things went when I did things before her versus how they go when I do things with her. The equations that I see are simple.

Without Bev = things are passable, ok (I'm not incompetent...generally).

With Bev = successes are multiplied in quantity and magnitude

“She is the kind of help that “I lift up mine eyes to the hills” for.”

How about some real life examples. I'll start with the seemingly insignificant. You can check out my Instagram page ( @_the_rob_ ). Rob posts a video of him singing. 160 views and 22 likes, which is a 14% likes to views ratio. Rob posts a video of him and Bev singing. Immediate jump to 245 views and 63 likes (these numbers double when you add in the numbers from her account where it was posted as well) which is almost triple the likes and a 25% likes to views ratio. (Do NOT judge me for that calculation I like numbers get over it). 

Ok this is a small thing. I get it.

So how about this. Before Bev, Rob runs a youth drama team, and he writes and puts on a full length stage production for a youth ministry. The response is good, and the attendees enjoy the show, and there are some worship moments after. The next year, Rob runs a youth drama team with Bev, and they put on a full length stage production for the same youth ministry. At the end the stage is filled with 30+ kids responding to the invitation to Christ. And to this day the actors who were in it still quote lines from that show.

God uses Bev to make me better, and the outcome is uncontestable.

And here we have some jellyfish.

But not only does she strengthen the performance of my assignment, she also makes my burdens lighter. When I am burdened beyond the point of functioning (whether I should be or not), I don't think she always feels confident about what to do. But she doesn't fuss with me or prod me to talk. She doesn't dismiss me or give me unwarranted advice. Bev sits with me. She simply exists in the same moment as me. And if I want to talk, she listens. And all she does is be who she is.

She may not know this, but I'm going to say it here anyway. Simply who she is has the power to lift my spirits when I cannot lift them myself. When she is around, I just kinda start to float, higher and higher, despite myself.  She makes me better, she makes me lighter, and she lifts me higher, no matter how heavy I feel.

Does she fill the space that God is supposed to fill in my life? Of course not. "I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust," (Psalm 91:2). My strength is found in the joy of the Lord.

Does she fill the space in my life that God custom made for her? Perfectly. "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord," (Proverbs 18:22). 

We're not married yet, and I already see the favor she adds to my life. I just hope I can serve and lead her as well as she loves and helps me.