When I started writing this, I typed, "I think this is the final installment of this subject." But as I was writing it and praying that I share what needs to be shared, I realized that this post needs to be an interlude from the story. This post needs to be about peace. One of the biggest things that single people like myself tend to struggle with, especially when it comes to dating and relationships, is peace.
When I trusted God with my platonic friendship with Bev, it meant that I let Him guide us both (keyword BOTH) in the direction our relationship was to be going. Because of that, at some point, both of us realized that we were heading towards something more. Both of us at this point realized that we were attracted to each other AND that it was time to start getting to know each other in subject matters that only two people heading towards the possibility of marriage would discuss. But also that meant it was time for someone to declare their intentions.
“If I am to be a leader in a marriage relationship, then I need to start by being a leader in a courtship relationship.”
Guess who's job that was? That's right. Mine. If I am to be a leader in a marriage relationship, then I need to start by being a leader in a courtship relationship. Yes, that meant taking the risk of her not wanting to go in the same direction as me. I didn't know yet where God had led her heart, but I did know what God was leading me to do at that moment, and that was to ask if I could court her.
Was I afraid? I was absolutely afraid. I was terrified. The fear of most guys who have cultivated a friendship with a girl (who, at some point have begun to think about possibly courting) is that they will ask this courtship (or dating relationship) of their friend, and their friend will be horrified and be their friend no longer. The other false mindset that adds to this fear is the idea that they personally cannot any longer choose to just be a friend to this person. Like it's do or die.
I wrestled with this fear and about a thousand others during the period of our friendship where I knew for a fact that I really really liked her. In fact this fear caused me much anxiety, mostly unfounded and unreasonable, during this time. But it was during this time that I learned something important about the peace of God that passes understanding talked about in Philippians 4:7.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
Sometimes us guys (or really girls too) can become overwhelmed with anxiety about the person they feel that they love, no matter the status of the relationship. This anxiety can manifest as almost crippling fear about whether the other person likes them, blinding jealousy and suspicion towards your boyfriend or girlfriend, or many other ways. In my life, I have had to deal heavily with both of those. Often it was because I had put myself in a bad situation or was trying to blur the friendship lines before it was time to transition to a courtship, but I dealt with this type of inner turmoil even when I was handling my relationships properly. Either way, that is why I love what I learned about this verse.
The key to understanding this verse for me was understanding that inside of me there are two people. There is me and then there is the Holy Ghost. That means that there is my peace and there is the peace of God. The peace of God is very different from the peace of Rob.
Rob's peace happens when everything is going well both internally and externally. Rob's peace is extremely volatile, unstable, and easily taken. This can be from outer circumstances or even just from a few inner thoughts. When Rob's peace is disturbed, it can cause him to say or do unwise things and be unable to function normally, even to do things that he HAS to do (like his job). Rob's peace is not always easily accessible and is not always accessible in the same way from situation to situation.
“Most times, it is actually a privilege to have the problem because the problem is a result of an answer to a previous prayer.”
God's peace is entirely different. God's peace is not dependent on circumstances. God's peace is also both easily and consistently accessible. To access God's peace, the verse says I must pray and humbly and submittedly (it's a word) present my request to God along with thanksgiving. This thanksgiving part is so important and also the first thing we forget about when problems arise. I try to always thank God for the problem itself. Most times, it is actually a PRIVILEGE to have the PROBLEM because the PROBLEM is a result of an answer to a PREVIOUS PRAYER (yes P's!) But that is a whole topic for another post. Point is, God's promise is if we pray about and thank God for the problem, His peace will guard us.
Now, remember, His peace is separate from our peace. So it is possible to have His peace while still not yet having our own peace. His peace is a guard. What does a guard do? A guard keeps things from getting in that should not be there. But a guard also keeps things IN that shouldn't be getting OUT.
I think of it like an open pot of boiling water. My peace is the boiling water. God's peace turns off the flame below the pot and simultaneously puts a tight lid on the top of the pot. The water inside the pot will still boil for a short period of time, AND the lid will keep the heat in, thus slowing the cooling of the water. BUT the tight lid will also keep the water from boiling over OUT of the pot. In other words you can be about to cuss someone out, but God's peace will shut you up while you are still roiling inside. And while you are shut up, He can speak to you the words and wisdom that you need to hear to bring your own peace back. He can hold you until your circumstance allows your own peace to settle. God's peace doesn't immediately take away the storm on either the inside or the outside, but God's peace does stop the damage from taking place in BOTH spaces.
“When God’s peace teaches you to seek God’s will, you can finally stop chasing after every smile and rushing yourself to every finish line.”
Eventually, God's peace will teach you how to not just ask Him for what you want but ask Him instead for what He wants. Instead of your request to God being to win the heart of that girl or guy, your request becomes, "I really like/love this person, but place us both where You want us to be." And then it will allow you to be ok with whatever the result is. And when God's peace teaches you to seek God's will, you can finally stop chasing after every smile and rushing yourself to every finish line.
And when you can calm down and decide to stop chasing after your own desires, and walk down the straight path of God's will instead, you will find that your desires have been sitting on that straight path the whole time.
And guess what. The first time I, in obedience to what I felt God was leading me to do, asked Bev if I could "take her off the market," she said no almost faster than I could get the words out. Did it upset me? Yes, a little. But she didn't throw me away. And by that point, I knew that I loved her whether she loved me back or not. So I didn't throw her away either. And because I had God's peace, the flame under my ready to boil pot didn't turn back on. I had both my peace and His peace.
And I didn't treat her any differently than I had been. Her answer did not change for me the friendship we had built. And my question didn't change for her the friendship we had built. It only showed the both of us even more the good things about each other's character.
Rejection is ok when you have God's peace. Everything is ok when you have God's peace.
King Solomon said "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." One of His names is Jehovah-Shalom. Shalom means peace. You're always safe in His peace.