I might be the only one here who previously had a bad relationship and was afraid of getting into a new one. I'm sure that's not your story, but appease me for just a little while and listen to mine.
Trust. That was the thing that was hard for me to do. There was a time period where I like Rob, but I wasn't sure if I could trust him yet. You see, being vulnerable was hard. How could I be expected to let down all my walls and protection for this guy? I had bought into the notion of an independent woman. I didn't need anybody to help me. If I was going to get something or somewhere, no one else was going to be able to claim credit for it. Sistas are doing it for themselves! No one ever thinks that the princess in the castle may have put herself there.
It was safe in my walled fortress. There was no one in there but me, so when things went wrong I knew who to blame and who needed a talking-to. In my house made of stone, there was no one to clean up after but myself. Relationship would be messy and my fortress was only sized for one.
One.
Just me.
But what I soon found was that the first one to pick up the chisel and chip away at my bricks was not Rob. The one who did not like my walled fortress most of all was God. You see, I knew of God and I knew the things that God wanted you to do, but (I'm saying this so much because I felt this so much) relationship would be messy and my fortress was safe. Inside my walls I would do what I knew God wanted me to do. I didn't kill, steal, lie, cheat, or curse (usually). I followed the rules, but there was no relationship. Even relationship with God seemed scary because how did I know I could really trust Him? How could I know He wouldn't put me into situations I didn't want to be in with no way out?
So God picked up His chisel and little by little began to break down my walls. He showed me in real life what the Bible says to be true on paper:
“[He] will [not] leave you nor forsake you.”
“the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. ”
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. ”
Then came Rob. Those walls that were half broken by God, Rob came through with a bulldozer. Just kidding. He did repeatedly show me how strong a man of God he was and that just as I could trust God, I could trust him too. This trust did not come overnight, but over months. I wasn't all that good at relationship yet, so I wasn't going to jump head first into one.
As Rob and I are preparing for marriage, there are still times when I think, "Can I really do this?" It is in those moments that I remember that I have a relationship with God first and I know that He will not let me down. If things are going haywire with any of my relationships here on earth, He'll take care of it. His guns are much bigger and stronger than my walls were.
