I love her! #thatisall.
Ok. So let's see. Where did I leave off last time? I think I was outlining some of the mindset differences between courtship and dating. If you're just joining us, don't. Go read part one first. Why? Because it's good and I worked really hard on it.
I spent most of my last post talking about the disadvantages of taking the dating mindset versus the courtship mindset. So in this post, I want to spend more time on the benefits of having a courtship mindset.
“They stay tryna get cuffed.”
Many of the people who dream of or desire to get married spend a lot of time hating their single status. They stay tryna get cuffed, naw mean? (No? You can't just let me be great, can you?) Much of the time that I was single, you couldn't convince me of this fact, but people need their time of being single. You have a lot of things within yourself and with God that you must resolve by yourself and with God. In my experience, some of the most important things that I needed to know about myself was what I was looking for in a wife preferentially, and what I actually needed in a wife practically.
Everyone has his or her list of what they like in the opposite sex, what they're looking for in a boyfriend or girlfriend. Usually parts of these lists are spot on in what God wants for you (since He does give you the desires of your heart), and parts of them make Him chuckle a little bit. But what many people don't have is an idea of the things they need in a spouse. Curves, muscles, jokes, and eye colors are nice, but how is this person going to help you achieve God's purpose for your life?
Pause here. Do you know God's purpose for your life? If you can't answer that question with certainty, you should probably put your whole dating game on pause. God expects us to figure Him out for ourselves before we try to add others into the mix. Check out Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life for a start.
Unpause. So I had my list of likes and dislikes. But I had to learn two things. I had to learn (through God's leadership and wisdom) what I truly needed (what I absolutely had to have to function) in a wife, and I had to learn not to compromise on what I knew I needed. Early on in my dating life, a pretty girl with a marginally decent personality who paid me even a little attention was enough to get me compromising on things I didn't need to be compromising on. And I'm not even talking about sin issues. I'm just talking about traits I needed in a wife.
“Just because you like that person doesn’t mean it’s time to date that person.”
So that brings me to the next thing I learned. Just because you like that person doesn't mean it's time to date that person. You could be head over heels infatuated with them, and he or she could be a truly great, God-loving, God-serving person and STILL be one of the worst mistakes of both of your lives. Or at the least, dating that person could send you both through unnecessary heartbreak or frustration. This is why I chose the courtship mindset.
Courtship provides structure and accountability that dating does not provide. With dating, you see someone you like, someone you think you may have chemistry with, and you start dating them. You start casually. "Oh we've gone on a couple dates. Then somewhere in there you kind of move to the "what are we?" phase where one or the both of you doesn't really want to date anyone else, but you technically could. And if you're lucky enough to have a decent partner, at some point, you "get serious." Whatever that means. Eventually the other person becomes your boyfriend or girlfriend. But there is usually no real plan in place for how to proceed from there.
Courtship is very different and follows this basic structure:
- 1. Acquaintance
- 2. Friendship
- 3. Courtship
- 4. Engagement
- 5. Marriage
I'm sure some of you scholars could break this down into a much more involved structure, but my point is that courtship's structure is very clear. It takes the emotional questions of status out of the picture. With the courtship mindset, you start with being an acquaintance. You just know each other. Maybe you hang in some of the same circles or are friends with their friends. When you plan to follow the courtship structure, chemistry with another person is never ever ever ever a green light. It is either a yellow light that says proceed with caution, or, depending on the type of chemistry we're talking about, it could actually be a red light. With Beverly, the spark I had for her (which she at the time did not have at all for me), was a yellow light.
After the acquaintance period (which obviously can be long or short), you move to a period of some length (duration being led by God, your mentors, and your parents) where you are friends. Just friends. Platonic, don't-owe-nobody-nothing friends. Not the kissing kind. No "benefits" here, buddy. If you maintain friendship boundaries, it is possible to be just friends with a person on whom you have a crush. I would even say that if you or your love interest feels like you can't "just be friends," that is a red flag about whoever feels that way. Very possibly a self control issue.
It is during this time of platonic friendship where the both of you get to observe (and enjoy) each other in a less emotionally charged environment. Mostly (though not completely exclusively in my opinion) in public, semi-public, and group environments. You definitely shouldn't be spending time in each other's bedroom.
It was during my friendship with Bev that I carefully and constantly evaluated my priorities, motives, and my list of needs and wants. I knew that I needed a wife who could practice a 1 Corinthians 13 love with me. I needed someone who shared a few of my interests because I needed someone who I could do ministry WITH. I also needed a person who would fit well with my existing set of friends and who would fit well with my family. I knew I wanted to be with someone who had the favor of God on their life. And these are just a few things that I needed to be able to find out.
During our friendship, God showed me over and over through Bev's character how much more than perfect she is for me.
These things cannot be found out in a few dates. I needed a good long time of friendship to find these things out. She had her list of things that she needed to find out about me too. You may ask, well how do you know if she was going to treat you with a 1 Corinthians 13 love? Well, because we had our time of friendship, I got to watch her practice it with other people. I got to watch how she treated her family. I got to watch how she treated people that did not treat her well. I got to find out how my family would feel about her BEFORE we were together as a couple. I got to watch God's favor on her life in many areas. How people act in these areas with other people is how they are going to act in those areas with you when the infatuation wears off.
And I had time to talk these things over with my father, with my family, with wise counsel, and with my friends to hear their thoughts about my friendship with her. Some people take issue with the accountability part of courtship. They don't care what their mom says or if several of their friends see something wrong. I was once one of those people. That is called pride. And I think we all know where pride leads you. I know I do because I got there several times before I truly humbled myself to be accountable to others.
I had one girl take offense to the fact that I really needed/wanted my friends to like her. She didn't feel like she should need the approval of my friends. I have learned that, I'm sorry, sweetheart, but h*** yes you need the approval of my friends! You need the approval of my friends, my family, my pastor, my other leaders, and anyone else who I feel God is using to hold me accountable. If you have a problem with that, then I can really easily throw your red flag having behind to the curb and QUICK (unfortunately I had not learned this principle at the time)(also sorry about the cuss - I bleeped it though, you're welcome).
This post is again getting long, and will evidently need a third installment. This is such a cursory glance at the courtship mindset, and there is so much that I am leaving unsaid. I really feel like I could write a book about this stuff. But ain't nobody ask me for a book, so ain't nobody getting one.
What I'm saying is I learned that it takes a period of friendship to discover certain things about the character of the person you are interested in. And these are things that you want to discover before you move into the next phase of courtship, which I will have to talk more about next time.